The “New Normal”

EMDR

Child loss

Trauma

Despair

Therapy

Grief

Heartbreak

Depression

It’s still mind blowing that these words had never been part of my vocabulary eight months ago. Now these words describe my daily life.

I would never wish this upon ANYONE. I’ve found that there’s not much more I look forward to anyone. Of course I love watching Caroline grow up, but nothing much more than that excites me anymore.

Just like when we took Hudson home from the hospital and asked Denver for the manual, there is no manual for this and such a lonely road.

This road is proving near impossible to navigate, although I hope each and every one of you know how grateful we are for your continued prayers. Christmas is proving to be the worst for me. Keeping a happy face for Caroline, while grieving worse than I have in months.

I dreamt the other night that Hudson was in his bed, in his room in our home. I kept telling Denver in the dream “Go look! Maybe he’s really there asleep!” Felt so real. And so heartbreaking to wake up and know that wasn’t reality. And spiraling right back down to where I was. Realizing it’s so much easier to sleep days away knowing that’s the only place I’ll meet Hudson again.. In my dreams.