Belonging

Still over here grappling with what peace looks like after Hudson, although the more blatant feeling lately has been the sense of belonging (or really lack there of).

I don’t really belong in any particular category of mom. I’m no longer a boy mom (technically yes, but will never go on a mother son date, have a mother son dance, etc.), but not really just a girl mom either. I’m not a mom that lost a baby, but rather a child I had raised for 5 years. I’m not a mom of an 8 year old boy. After four years, you’re hard pressed to find anyone asking how your grief is and very rarely does anyone speak his name. My sweet boy Hudson, who I was so blessed to have for five years.

I find it hard to sit in spaces with other people talking about their ideal number of kids or saying they’d never have another. What their “perfect” family looks like. I feel like it’s a never say never. I couldn’t have imagined having Madelyn, just like I could have never imagined losing Hudson. I can’t imagine my life without either of them, although they never existed together. I will never forget sitting in the ER that day thinking.. Oh my gosh. I only have one child now. Caroline is now an only child. Every day I open my eyes, I’m reminded daily that God’s plan is much bigger than my own and his will WILL be done. There’s so little I truly have control over.

It’s a very odd place to be. Still in the very infancy of my grief for Hudson (I hopefully have a lot more life to live here on this side of heaven), while trying to raise a toddler and a very strong willed almost six year old. And the hardest? Feeling very little connection to Hudson. Very rarely do I have dreams or “signs.” This little guy who was my whole world and to now not feel connected at all.

Belonging. Not in old circles. Old friend groups. Even relatives. I’m not going to be someone’s first call when they have exciting plans. A fun party. Vacation ideas. Book clubs. Girls nights, etc. Who can blame them? I’m not going to be included in things and I think I need to work out what that means and where I’m trying to gain my worth, instead of grappling with the worry about continually not being included. I wish I had the energy to initiate things myself, but I just don’t. Some days I’m good just to manage the every day tasks.

It’s hard to be able to count on one hand the people you can truly be yourself with, the ones that can deal with your “hard.” Because I’m sure it weighs on them, too. But thank gosh for the ones that are willing to sit in the hard and have the tough conversations with me, day in and day out.

I wouldn’t wish this pain, never ending pain on anyone. What I would give to just feel “normal” again. And even on the happiest days, for every day to not be twinged with sadness. The hard season for our family is upon us, but I will continue to cling to those who make me feel like I belong, even in this never ending grief.

You say I am loved, when I can't feel a thing

You say I am strong, when I think I am weak

And you say I am held, when I am falling short

And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours

And I believe

Oh, I believe

What You say of me

I believe