The Dreaded Holiday Season

We survived the first big family holiday without him. I’d be lying if there weren’t tears shed, but doing something totally untraditional was a good call. We went to the beach and stayed in an amazing home with 20 members of my extended family from all over the country.

I held it together pretty well on Thanksgiving night until our family was watching the Dallas Cowboys game that evening. And who else was playing the halftime show.. Luke Combs of course. Singing “Ice Cold Beer” and “Beautiful Crazy.” I'd love to think that was a sweet little sign from Hudson.

On Black Friday morning, I got to go for a walk on the beach with Denver and Caroline. Typically this would be the day every year our family would pick out the perfect Christmas tree. The first time in 5 years I haven’t been able to do that with Hudson. He LOVED to help me decorate the tree while we drank hot chocolate and listened to country Christmas songs. (It's never truly Christmas until we listened to Christmas in Dixie by Alabama!) I can't bear to do it without him this year. Every day without him is heartbreaking, but not having our sweet traditions anymore is such a gut punch, especially this time of year.

I continue to feel like this is an alternate life.. Like he may be coming back eventually. I had the most vivid dream of him in some of his Christmas pajamas from last year. The happiest dream I've had of him in a long time, and for that I'm grateful. But he'll never wear those pajamas again and never help me decorate another tree. No more Christmas mornings with the sweetest smile. Forever grateful for Caroline, but I have a Hudson-sized hole in my heart. I know so many are hurting because we lost him. But it's nights like this when I tuck in one kiddo into bed, when six months ago I had two that I was able to tuck in.. That hurts so badly. Every night putting her to sleep and having to walk by his empty bed. It's still truly just so inconceivable that this is the life I'll live moving forward.

I’m so grateful that most of my friends/family have the luxury of spending the upcoming holidays with their loved ones. But ask you to keep Denver and I in your prayers as we try to navigate this season without the light of our family. I truly cannot imagine a Christmas season without my sweet boy, although we're trying to keep on brave and happy faces for Caroline.