Perspective

Perspective

I've been thinking wayyy too much about perspective lately.

I know that doing laundry for the littles is so tiresome. But imagine you never need to wash those little jeans again? There’s a basket of clean little clothes sitting in Hudson’s room. They’ve been there for 21 months now. There's one less place to set at the table. One less child to buy Christmas presents for. One less birthday party to plan. Only one kiddo to get ready and drop off in the morning. One less juice cup to clean.

How in the world do I even begin to bring honor to his precious memory? This sweet boy who made me a mommy and told me constantly that I was his best friend. He was my whole world for 3 years, until Caroline came along to share the spotlight. And then one day he was just ripped from my arms.

So many things that took up our days for him that are no longer necessary. We never picked out school supplies for kindergarten. Instead we picked out a casket and bought four plots of land we never wanted to own, at least not in our 30's.

By no means am I downplaying what others have on their plates, just ask that people be thankful for all that DOES need to be done for their living children. I truly wake up every morning praying this is a nightmare. I couldn't be more grateful for Caroline's smiling face and sassy attitude because it’s always the kick in the pants I need to keep going. I know your kids can drive you bananas, but just ask you to be mindful when you say “I’ll give you one of my kids!” when they’re being a handful. You never know when you may be standing beside someone who lost a child or wishes desperately they could have a child. Someone said this is front of me tonight.

Then someone else loses their child and it sends you into another tailspin. Your heart drops to your toes and you have the deepest level of empathy. They’ll ask about coping and the process, when I feel that the first few months are truly just survival. You stumble over your words as the emotions of what you felt come back to you like it was the day that you lost your child. You want so desperately to say that right thing to them and ensure them that it’s painful, but they’ll find a way to live with their “new normal.”

It’s a million different losses. I know I have mentioned Caroline and man am I proud of that girl. She is so resilient. (Aside from the 3 weeks of sleep regression which I’m hoping was just a combination of being sick and growing!) She confidently tells everyone that yes! She has a brother and he’s in heaven with Jesus. She got upset at my nephew’s birthday when I left his name off the card. Thank you for reminding me Caroline! He’s no less part of our family, even though he no longer lives in our home.

Even if you haven’t lost your child, I think it’s so important to try to be thankful for the good that you have. For me.. Caroline! I’m hesitant to be away from her, wanting to take my sidekick with my everywhere I go. I apologize if you've invited me to do things and I consistently say no, wanting to spend time with her.

And this is kind of an aside, but something that has been on my mind SO much lately.

For a least a year I’ve done my best to put on a very brave face. But even right after he died I pushed myself to be “ok” because I needed to please others. (Ultimate people pleaser) I remember someone would be in our home and I’d try to get up and offer them something to drink! I'm talking days after he died.

I feel like society expects us to be ok. Grief is super weird. And grief when your child tragically dies? Even weirder. People don't want to talk about their kids. They don't want to bring their kids around you. And they definitely don't want to talk about your child that died.Talking about child loss makes other uncomfortable. Unless you've been there, no one understands. You don't want anyone to.

But people in life seem to downplay my grief, including my doctors. That's been hard to learn. One compared the death of Hudson to when her daughter's dog died.. Really?! You can't make this stuff up. The other reassured me that "this has happened to plenty of moms." What?! I don't know what people are thinking sometimes, but just want that free pass to break down whenever I need to. I think I have earned that right! Sometimes I don't want to pretend everything is ok, because a lot of times it isn't. What that looks like as a well-functioning member of society? I have no idea. I just know I can't gloss over the hurt and deep grief I will always feel for my loss.

For the parents of child loss, time stands ever so still.   “We are frozen in that moment of hearing those horrible words, “I’m so sorry.”  Our hearts never beat the same after that.”

The last photo I ever took of my sweet Hudson. ❤️