Letting Go

Now that we’re a year and five months into this journey, it’s time to start thinking about letting go.

Not in the way you may think, but I suppose in the expectations I’ve always had for my life. I need to let go of wishing Caroline still had her big brother and the “perfect family of four” we had for two years. Was it hard at times? Yes! But looking back, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have to let go of that perfect family dynamic that so many strive for.

It’s time to let go of the idea that I’m in control. Ha! Who was I kidding. I was never in control. I got a little dose of that when Denver and I decided to start a family and I miscarried our first child. And I thought I was in control, until I lost that child. I loved reading this quote from Spilled Milk Mama after losing her husband (she had a toddler and a 4 week old when he passed):

“Faith is important to me and becoming a sudden widow taught me that despite the plans I make, I am not in control. We can all only do what we can each day and from there other variables and factors will affect the outcomes we personally experience. Learning to accept what is beyond your control is a big part of healing.”

Unfortunately this is our truth and always will be. When meeting people I’ve learned it’s not always applicable to let them know my son died. Will I meet this person again? Probably easier to let them know I just have a precious 3 year old girl. Not always necessary to share all the details. Even though the kiddo conversation is always the basis of small talk and a good ice breaker!

I need to let go of thinking.. What if I had a first grader! A precious boy that did baseball or soccer or any kind of sport. It’s hard to think that I “should have” had a kiddo in elementary school. And all the excitement that entails. The realization of having one kiddo. This was never the plan! It was always supposed to be Hudson and Caroline. We tell her daily she's still a little sister with a big brother in heaven that loves her so much. I hope she knows that and feels it.

I need to let go of thinking everyone knows what I need. This is a huge one for me personally. No one can anticipate what is helpful on any given day, even me! ((Especially when I very unexpectedadly lost my stepbrother.)) Even the people that continuously pour into me even though I feel that I’m the worst colleague, family member and friend. For those of y’all that continue to text even though I habitually forget to respond, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. I pray to be better in years to come.

It’s time to be honest with Caroline and when she asks “Why did Hudson have to go to heaven?” we simply tell her that his time on earth was done and Jesus called him home to heaven. And then teach her how to get to heaven! I will never forget one of my friends telling me that after losing her niece that wasn’t much older than my little man. And I took that to heart! I wanted him to know about heaven and Jesus.

This journey still isn’t easy, that’s for sure. After almost a year and a half, we should have it figured out, right?! 🤣 We’ve learned some things that are constants that get us through, like church and therapy. But continue to pray for our super sassy (but also tender hearted) little girl. I hate that she’s having to live through and navigate this with us. It’s a lot to ask a 3 year old to bear, but man does she handle it well. ❤️ And y’all.. She keeps us laughing!