Grief + Joy

Crazy how there’s not much time to write after having a baby and going back to work! I miss being away from the girls like crazy, but thankful for a job that I truly love, being surrounded by people who I can be myself around. I'm so thankful that most days it doesn't feel like "work!"

The last 4 months have been filled with a lot of learning and balancing. Remembering how to do the “baby thing” all over again. Balancing overwhelming joy and overwhelming grief. Definitely such polar opposites, but feeling both emotions so deeply.

I think we (Denver and I) have had to relearn about ourselves, too. As I said before, losing someone like we did changes every single relationship in your life, for good or for bad. We have learned recently that we will never be anyone’s first choice, and that's ok. We’ll get left out (a lot) and that's ok, too. (Maybe people think our grief will wear off on them? Shoot.. I have no idea.) It's hard for us to be around kids, especially your sons! But we're trying our best to still show up for our friends with smiles on our faces, even when it's killing us inside.

We are committed to putting our family and our needs first and foremost, pouring into our relationships with each other and truly trying to make the most of the family we have here. So grateful for a God who pulling us through every day and helping us find a little bit of good in every day. Working to put my focus there and not the things of this world! (Easier said than done!)

And can we talk about Madelyn for a second? Angel baby. Completely. This girl came out looking just like her brother. I know that was certainly no mistake! This sweet girl has helped to heal my heart some. I didn’t know how much I needed her. My perspective has been so much better this time around. Babies are hard! But MAN is this girl worth it. I certainly have the “get to” and not “have to” mentality. When I hear her sweet little cries in the middle of the night, I sure do love going to check on her and seeing her sweet smile. (Even when I'm super tired and struggling the next day.. Haha) She is the calmest, go-with-the-flow baby I’ve ever met. And her smile. My GOSH. I am SO incredibly grateful. And thanks to everyone who has asked about Caroline as well. She wasn’t super crazy about Madelyn at first, but she grew on her very quickly! She is a rockstar big sister and has been so patient with me and so incredibly helpful. These girls, y'all. ❤️ She still tells me every day how much she misses having her brother, but she is really loving having a baby sister. I can't wait until they're old enough to play together (heck, even argue), as she never really had the opportunity with Hudson.

This time of year is HEAVY. I have never physically felt it before until this year. It truly feels like something sitting on my chest and creeping up my throat most days. I’m trying to take care of myself the best I can, but finding a new therapist to help me navigate this season has been kind of a joke. 😬 HA!

Last week, my brother would have turned 32. I still can’t believe he’s gone! And this week, Caroline will turn 5. We only ever had the privilege of having our 5 year old for 3 days. Let me tell you, 5 years and 4 days is such a big deal to us. But all the emotions. This sweet girl took over Hudson’s room when Madelyn came. (And don’t get started on having to pack up his things that now exist in 9 huge tubs in my attic.) How do you pack up a little boy's life?! Caroline is the best at keeping his memory alive and reminding us of him. On May 5th, he would have been 8. I’ve stopped even calculating what grade he would be in because, honestly, it hurts TOO MUCH. A few weeks ago, we got Caroline's little Pre-K cap and gown pictures, and it was hard to even look at them. I will never forget not seeing Hudson's Pre-K photos (someone had emailed them to me) until we pulled into the cemetery to pick a plot for him. It took my breath away in the worst way. That's the only way I will ever see that sweet boy in a cap and gown, let alone every other milestone I will never have with him. The deep pain is now a dull ache that is with me every moment of every day.

So thankful to those who still check in on us, as I think the farther we get from him being gone, the harder it feels. Caroline has now lived more life without him than with him. And he has a sweet sister who will never know him. Crazy. Thankful for the blessings we do have, and thankful for the 5 years and 3 days I had with Hudson. ❤️ 

Almost daily I think about that if he were here, our lives would be dang near perfect.

I heard this song and immediately resonated with it. Later I found out that the artist wrote this song not long after his 21 year old son passed away.

It's been a long year, it almost took me down, I swear

Life was so good

I'm not so sure we knew what we had

I'll never be the same man

I'll never feel like I felt before

It's been a hard year, it almost took me down

I've had a hard time

Finding the blue in the skies above me

And if I'm keeping it real

I've been half-faking the happy they see

I may look like the same man

But I'm half the man I was

It's been a hard year, it almost took me down

'Cause when my world broke into pieces

You were there faithfully

When I cried out to You, Jesus

You made a way for me

I may never be the same man

But I'm a man who still believes

When I cried out to You, Jesus

You were there faithfully

In my darkest hour, You met me

So quietly, so gently

You said You'd never leave

And You stood by Your word

So quietly, so gently

In all my pain, You met me

You said You'd never leave

And You stood by Your word

'Cause when my world broke into pieces

You were there faithfully

When I cried out to You, Jesus

You made a way for me

I may never be the same man

But I'm a man who still believes

When I cried out to You, Jesus

You were there faithfully

Madelyn will never be a replacement for Hudson, but man if she isn't the sweetest addition.