Desert Road

Is this really the life God had in store for me? I suppose so.. Who am I to second guess the God of creation? I know he makes no mistakes, although I’d give anything to rewind to May 8, 2021 and redo EVERYTHING.

Starting to learn some tough lessons now that I’m almost two years in.

There’s not a part of your life that isn’t changed by a loss like this. Your marriage is different, relationships with your living kids, your family dynamics (and extended families) and every friendship in your life. You will never be the person you once were before the loss.

I’ve learned you can’t:

Out exercise this

Out therapy this

Out scream this

Out drink this

Out pray this

Out work this

Out EMDR this

Out sleep this

Denver said the other day, we have conversations with Caroline we wish we'd NEVER have to have. Why did my brother have to die? I want to play with him. Will he ever come back? Mommy and Daddy I don't want to go to heaven. Her worried that one of us will die “before our time.” So many BIG concepts to ask a four year old to comprehend. I wouldn’t wish these conversations on anyone. I pray that we’ll keep his memory alive enough that she’ll remember bits and piece of him.

People (with best of intentions) will tell you that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. And I've seen his plan work for the good in my life many, many times over. But this reality is much harder to understand and see the good in, even after living with it for two years.

I don't wanna write this song

I don't want this pain to be my story

I don't want this desert road

Are you sure this is the plan that You have for me?

Out here in the dust and clay

God, if there's a bigger picture

It's getting hard to see today

But I know that You won't leave me

I don't know where this is going

But I know who holds my hand

It's not the path I would've chosen

But I'll follow You to the end

Lord, as long as I am breathing

I will make Your glory known

Even if it means I'm walking

On this desert road